The second regret and how to live with the both/and

A few blog posts previous to this one, I said I had one regret in my publishing life, that I hadn’t been a good book citizen. That’s still true. But I have one other regret, and that regret is ten years old this month.

It’s taken me a while to sort out how to talk about this situation, but I’ve finally settled on the both/and comparison (rather than the either/or). It’s one I teach my students—something can be simultaneously positive and shitty, all at the same time.

My both/and regret? My second novel.

Ten years ago, the publishing world let me, a cisgender woman, speak in the voice of a young trans man, and BEAUTIFUL MUSIC FOR UGLY CHILDREN was released. It did some good in the world, got some attention, and remains in print There wasn’t much trans representation in YA fiction then, so that helped Flux’s decision to publish it. But was it the right decision?

I’m proud of this book’s work, AND I would never write this book again. Yes, writers can create any character they want, and yes, I did years of research, and yes, many trans individuals assisted me, AND it still feels improper and wrong that I spoke in the voice of someone whose identity I don’t share. Trans people have told me how much this book means to them AND trans people have said BMUC is harmful appropriation. Yes to it all.

I make these judgments from a place of some understanding: about seven years ago I discovered my neurodivergence. Would I want a neurotypical person writing a first-person story about my experiences? No, probably not. Or they’d have to do a damn excellent job, and I’d be skeptical AF of their book, plus I’d make side eyes at them, and be crabby for a long time. Neurotypicals dictate enough of my life—do I really want then writing my fiction, too? Grrrrrr. No thank you.

I rest my case.

But BEAUTIFUL MUSIC exists, in all its both/and glory, and Gabe is the character who feels most like a relative, so my decision is to do for him what I do for my own kid—support the hell out of him and his community. Since before the book was published, I’ve given the trans community my time and money, and this month there was extra for RECLAIM!, because their founders helped me write BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. I also use my voice and feet as often as there’s a need. Aside from the book, my solidarity with the trans community is a permanent part of my life because this community taught me it’s okay to be myself. I owe them much more than I can repay.

So, happy ten-year book birthday to my both/and regret. Gabe is tucked deep in my heart, and I’m proud of him and John. I’m proud of their journey. And I regret the appropriation that sent them on their way.