The second regret and how to live with the both/and

Students sign the posters for GENDER IS LIKE AN OCEAN, a film by Addressing Injustices at the University of Toronto, June 2018. BMUC was part of the film. It was a proud moment. Find more here.

A few blog posts previous to this one, I said I had one regret in my publishing life, that I hadn’t been a good book citizen. That’s still true. But I have one other regret, and that regret is ten years old this month.

It’s taken me a while to sort out how to talk about this situation, but I’ve finally settled on the both/and comparison (rather than the either/or). It’s one I teach my students—something can be simultaneously positive and shitty, all at the same time.

My both/and regret? My second novel.

Ten years ago, the publishing world let me, a cisgender woman, speak in the voice of a young trans man, and BEAUTIFUL MUSIC FOR UGLY CHILDREN was released. It did some good in the world, got some attention, and remains in print There wasn’t much trans representation in YA fiction then, so that helped Flux’s decision to publish it. But was it the right decision?

I’m proud of this book’s work, AND I would never write this book again. Yes, writers can create any character they want, and yes, I did years of research, and yes, many trans individuals assisted me, AND it still feels improper and wrong that I spoke in the voice of someone whose identity I don’t share. Trans people have told me how much this book means to them AND trans people have said BMUC is harmful appropriation. Yes to it all.

I make these judgments from a place of some understanding: about seven years ago I discovered my neurodivergence. Would I want a neurotypical person writing a first-person story about my experiences? No, probably not. Or they’d have to do a damn excellent job, and I’d be skeptical AF of their book, plus I’d make side eyes at them, and be crabby for a long time. Neurotypicals dictate enough of my life—do I really want then writing my fiction, too? Grrrrrr. No thank you.

I rest my case.

But BEAUTIFUL MUSIC exists, in all its both/and glory, and Gabe is the character who feels most like a relative, so my decision is to do for him what I do for my own kid—support the hell out of him and his community. Since before the book was published, I’ve given the trans community my time and money, and this month there was extra for RECLAIM!, because their founders helped me write BEAUTIFUL MUSIC. I also use my voice and feet as often as there’s a need. Aside from the book, my solidarity with the trans community is a permanent part of my life because this community taught me it’s okay to be myself. I owe them much more than I can repay.

So, happy ten-year book birthday to my both/and regret. Gabe is tucked deep in my heart, and I’m proud of him and John. I’m proud of their journey. And I regret the appropriation that sent them on their way.

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Two words: THANK YOU

Kirstin Cronn-Mills is a fiscal year 2021 recipient of a Creative Support for Individuals grant from the Minnesota State Arts Board. This activity is made possible by the voters of Minnesota through a grant from the Minnesota States Arts Board, thanks to a legislative appropriation by the Minnesota State Legislature, and by a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.

Thank you, Minnesota State Arts Board and the National Endowment for the Arts, for supporting artists of all types.


And thank you, voters of Minnesota!
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Watch this space!

Octo storage container, Maui, December 2019

With luck and love and some crossed fingers, there will be a new book soon. It’s called O IS FOR OUTSIDER. I have no idea if editors are buying books. Hopefully? We’ll find out.

This book is a little bit REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE (though Evvie has a LOT of causes) meets MY OCTOPUS TEACHER, which you should watch, if you haven’t. I know octopuses have been trendy over the last few years, but not in the way this book talks about them. I can promise you that.

Here’s a little octopus action from the Maui Ocean Center in 2019–that’s my hand. Otherworldly.

Can’t wait for you to meet Evvie, Blue, Ken, and Evvie’s favorite octopus, Aretha!

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Ten years, one regret

16 years of work, 10 years in publishing.

 

Time goes amazingly fast, doesn’t it? Maybe it’s just me.

My first novel, The Sky Always Hears Me and the Hills Don’t Mind, came out in September 2009. My kid was 11. I’d been at my job for 10 years, married for 17.  The book is set in Nebraska, and I’d lived away from there for 17 years.

Now I have 4 published novels. My kid can legally drink in a bar, and he drives the car I was driving then. He’s lived in Italy twice. I’ve been at my job for 20 years. I’m in better shape. I have a different dog, plus 2 cats. I’m still married. My dad’s been gone for 8.5 years, my mother-in-law for almost 8 months. I won the Stonewall Award for my second novel. I’m working on my sixth. I found out I’m neurodiverse.  I’m an interfaith minister.

10 years is forever and no time, all at the same time. Life is the same, and it’s not. One thing that’s NEVER changed in these 10 years: my gratitude to be in 1) Minnesota’s writing community, and 2) the YA/kidlit community, especially in Minnesota. So many, many kind, generous, and talented writers in this dang state, and in our kidlit community, plus the nationwide kidlit folks–I’m so humbled to be a part of these crowds! I’m so lucky to live where I do! I will always be happy I married a Minnesotan and moved home with him.

Also (of course!): I’m grateful people read my books. Readers = BEST PEOPLE EVER. Thank you, readers! It’s a humbling thing, to have people interact with your art. I’m so glad the outsiders in my books have found homes in the hearts of others. Though I didn’t read the reviews (too hard on the soul), I noticed Wreck has 40 votes and 19 reviews on Goodreads, and Beautiful Music has 718 reviews, plus 6450 votes. For a tiny author like me, that’s AMAZING. I’m grateful I get to make art in the first place–writing these books has been so joyous!

Have I made mistakes in 10 ten years? OF COURSE. The internet doesn’t hide them.

Do I have any regrets? One major one: I haven’t been the book citizen I want to be. : (

Why should someone care about being a good book citizen? Because my writing life exists as part of a community,  a community I care about.

My deficits come from not spending more time on my writing career.  Because my full-time teaching job is so intense, writing is my (very slow) side hustle. The day job pays bills and gives me insurance, so I need it. But my writing life suffers. My lack of time spent on my career results in 1) less time spent practicing writing and producing work, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY ) 2) less time spent supporting my fellow writers.

I want to read their books! I want to cheer them on! I want to write blog posts about them. I want to spend time on social media, chatting about how I love these people. I want to go to conferences and talk their work up. I REALLY want to be a cheerleader for the writers who are providing mirrors and windows for kids of every kind, supporting young readers of all kinds in every way they can. I want to be a good colleague! And I haven’t been. I will do better.

In this next decade as a writer, I’ll spend more time in my book life. Less day job, more writing and supporting other writers. I’ve promised myself.  And my agent.

Ten years. Wild. I had no idea I could write novels. Then the real Tessa (from Sky) gave me the perfect idea for one. And here we are.

Posted in BEAUTIFUL MUSIC, books, emotions, epic-ness, gratitude, live and learn, Original Fake, privilege, readers, SKY ALWAYS HEARS ME, Uncategorized, WRECK, writing community, writing life, yawp | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

When art creates art, and YOU MEET THE ARTIST (omg!!)

This is GORDON LIGHTFOOT, after I gave him a copy of WRECK!

This is GORDON LIGHTFOOT, after I gave him a copy of WRECK!

The album the song is on, newly autographed.

The album the song is on, newly autographed.

 

 

The title doesn’t make it clear, but the book does: the title of WRECK is inspired by “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald,” a song written and performed by Gordon Lightfoot in 1976, about the shipwreck of the ore boat Edmund Fitzgerald on Lake Superior. The ship left from Duluth on November 9, 1975, and and sank the next day, close to Sault Ste. Marie, MI.

In the book, Steve saw the Edmund Fitzgerald leave Duluth. After the ship sank, he became obsessed with the song when it came out. After his daughter Tobin was born, the anniversary of the shipwreck was the day he would play the song as many times as she was old.

Music always inspires my writing. I could talk for days about the music in BEAUTIFUL MUSIC, there’s so much. ORIGINAL FAKE was inspired by the conceptual artists I was paying attention to in college–two of which are musicians David Byrne and Laurie Anderson.

So if you’re writing about Lake Superior, wouldn’t you want to include a song about the lake,  the only song that makes you physically cold, the song that could conceivably be a touchstone for someone who lives on Lake Superior, especially if he saw the actual ship?

Yeah, you would. Of course you would.

As fate would have it, and it does feel like fate, Gordon Lightfoot did a concert in my town in early June. My sweet and wonderful friend Rachael (see the album autograph above) suggested we go, and suggested I try to get a copy to him. And, through a new friend, some smooth talking, and probably a miracle that he wasn’t too tired after the show, I got to do just that.

It was AWESOOOOOOOOOOOOOME.

Also a bit dumbfounding.

Mr. Lightfoot (yes, I want to call him that, he’s Canadian royalty) seemed genuinely surprised and pleased a person would use his music as I did. His wife and his crew also seemed genuinely surprised, and they were very respectful of the book. They said they’d put it in a place of honor. And maybe that was bullshit, but I don’t think so.

Their surprise surprised me. Wouldn’t you think someone else would have given him a novel inspired by his music—in the course of a 60-year career?

Maybe not.

When he played “Wreck,” I sobbed, and Rachael patted my shoulder. I’m almost as attached to Tobin and Steve as I am to actual humans. The book is a long meditation on sorrow and grief, mine and theirs, and it was incredibly moving to hear him do the song live. It was heartbreaking and healing, all at the same time.

Maybe I’m just imagining things, but he seemed as appreciative of me as I was of him, which was unexpected and extraordinary.  It’s amazing the places our books go. Standing next to the 80-year-old Gordon Lightfoot is a place I never expected to be.

 

Posted in artists, characters, emotions, epic-ness, grief, music, November, small world, Uncategorized, writing life, yawp | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The . . . disrespectful? . . . launch of WRECK

 

Look! Real, honest-to-goodness books!

 

Launching WRECK has been unlike launching any other book in my career. Its subject matter is hard, and the book isn’t funny (I love writing funny books).  But more than anything, its launch feels a way I can’t quite name. The only thing I can come up with is disrespectful.

 

So many people have died recently–in my sphere and in others–and the world is so difficult and dark right now. Launching a book about death just seems like more grief fuel.

 

Most times, launching a book is a moment of joy and pride. And it still is, in some respects, even under these circumstances. Maybe I’m being irrational. It’s only a book. It’s not real. But Steve and Tobin’s story seems rather unnecessary right now, even if the story is beautiful, or it gives someone a new way to look at the subject matter. It seems unkind to launch a book like this.

 

In my life, I’ve lost three people since January, one of them an immediate family member. If I expand my circle to my friends’ lives, I can add several more deaths, ranging in age from 16 to 91. If I count up all the deaths in my circles, my husband’s circles, and our friends’ circles (friends we’d invite for supper, not acquaintances), it’s close to twenty people. Since December. 4.5 months of steady deaths.

 

I don’t feel like this is normal. So adding more grief and sorrow to the mix just seems wrong.

 

All of these deaths make me wonder what the larger lesson is. Why so many people in such a short time? One person I put this question to told me to grow up–there wasn’t any pattern or reason, it was just life, so I should stop trying to find any answers. But I know myself. If my brain’s going to search for answers (and it’s gonna, like, forever), then I should give it one.

 

Maybe all of this death is the way the Universe is drawing us close to one another, and re-teaching us how to support each other. It’s a reminder that all we have is each other, and life is most useful, special, and rewarding when it’s shared. As we comfort each other, we can re-member ourselves, re-enlist in the army of humane humanity. We can re-connect ourselves with each other.

 

The book does this, too. Ike reminds Tobin, more than once, that we have each other, even in the dark times, and we have to live the moments life gives us until there are no more.  Maybe a book that considers these facts is okay right now.  Maybe it’s better than I thought. But it still feels . . . difficult. Not right. Maybe disrespectful.

 

I do love this book. I think the story’s worth reading, and it’s well told. I think teens can use a book like this, to help them deal with their own grief. I personally don’t welcome more grief right now, which re-presents itself every time I talk about Tobin, Steven, and Ike. My brain and my heart are difficult territory right now.

 

But like it or not, here we are. The book is here. And so is sadness and grief. It’s just life.

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Sometimes you write the book, sometimes the book writes you.

 

Action figures! Lake Superior! Photography! Welcome to WRECK.

Writing is a funny thing. You’d think you’d be in control of the process, but sometimes you’re not. Sometimes the characters do or say things you’re not expecting. Sometimes the book goes in a direction you don’t expect (the photo above is proof: action figures? in a YA novel?). Sometimes you expect a book to contain one kind of emotion, but you discover it’s full of totally different feelings.

It sounds very, very strange to say that Someone or Something Else (our subconscious, a Higher Power, the Collective Mind, etc.) can take charge of our writing. But it happens. Ask Stephen King if you don’t believe me. And when it does, it’s almost always positive.

In general, I wrote SKY and ORIGINAL FAKE. There were moments the book or the characters were doing surprising things, but I mostly knew where I was going. Not so for BEAUTIFUL MUSIC—I’m not sure Who wrote it, but Someone told Gabe, John, and Paige the story, and I just took dictation. With WRECK, I started the book, but then I consciously let go. I let Tobin, Steve, and Ike do what they were going to do. They surprised me in beautiful ways.

This book wrote me. This book took the grief I carry for my father, for his difficult life and our challenging relationship, and shaped it into something useful for my world (and for the larger world, I hope). This book took the father-daughter relationship I’d wished we’d had and brought it to life, so I could enjoy it. This book will help me know what to do if more of my relatives have degenerative illnesses–what Tobin did on the page is a good lesson for me.

Weird, right? Super weird. But I don’t know how else to describe it. This book knew what it needed to do.

Writing is a funny thing.

 

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Hello! This is not a blog post. This is a declaration of no more blog posts. Welcome!

a woman wearing a t-shirt with the poet Walt Whitman on it

Uncle Walt and I are tight.

Nine years ago today (May 1), I found out SKY was going to be a Flux book. Suffice it to say (cheesy but true) my life changed that day. Writing young adult novels has been one of the best, hardest, most confusing, most stressful, and most incredible journeys in my life. I never take it for granted.

BUT. I am not so great at social media as a whole, and I suck at remembering to blog (as in, I forgot for 8-ish months). And really, aren’t there enough opinions floating around out there? You’re always welcome to find me on Facebook or Twitter, and if you have a burning question for me, feel free to email me at kirstin.cronnmills (at) gmail.com.

a photo of a pink and blue sunrise in Minnesota

A sunrise earlier this spring, from a dog walk.

About me: I teach, write books, take walks with my dog, pet my kitties, and love the people in my life. I believe deeply in equity and justice for all human beings, and I do something to support that belief every day. My ultimate goal in life is to create the Fab Farm, a place for LGBTQIA+ youth to have a safe space with cuddlestock, pond fishing, and nature, and a place for grown-ups to learn more about how to be better LGBTQIA+ advocates. It will be epic. I believe in Mother Nature, animals, and the earth, along with the healing powers of each, and I believe the vibe we carry is hugely important—energy is everything.

A woman wearing a t-shirt that says "Y'all means all."

Another t-shirt that fits my life, especially since I say “y’all” a lot.

I write books for and about people who society considers quirky outsiders, in a lot of different ways. I totally understand being a misfit (having been one my whole life), so they are not outsiders to me–they are my people. : ) Ultimately my “brand” is quirky weird kindness for quirky weird misfit kids who don’t get much of it.

My books focus on teenagers in unique situations who do unique things. Each main character has a way to use their voice in the world that’s unusual (shouting/leaving messages everywhere; music/radio show; art; photography). Each main character has an older (though sometimes not much older) adult friend or mentor. Each character is slightly weird (or circumstances make them weird), and somehow comes to value that weirdness.

Is any of this a thing? I dunno. But it’s me.

No YA author can say how much it matters to hear from readers, librarians, and teachers—it’s truly the most important thing in our careers—so the fact that you sought me out means the world to me. Thanks for taking time to visit. I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

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School friends! Back-to-school BOOK GIVEAWAYS!

 

a stack of 5 books by author Kirstin Cronn-Mills

All this wordiness could be yours!

Like it or not, summer is over.  Some school folks are YAAAAAAAAAAAY, some folks are BOOOOOOOOOOO, and some folks are, “Well, my favorite parts of school are students, reading books, and listening to music in my office.” Or maybe that’s just me.

To recognize the momentous beginning of another school year, it’s time for a book giveaway.  How do you enter?  First, you have to be a student, a teacher, or a librarian.  Second, follow the instructions below. Different instructions for different school peeps.

TO WIN THE BOOKY GOODNESS PICTURED ABOVE, YOU MUST:

  1. Be a teacher or librarian.
  2. Comment below with your most significant, most embarrassing, most amazing, or most memorable moment of your school career, and please include your school.
  3. Wait to see who’s randomly chosen to win ALL FIVE BOOKS IN THE PHOTO. Yes! All 5!

or

TO WIN A COPY OF ORIGINAL FAKE, YOU MUST:

  1. Be a student (at any level–middle school, high school, college)
  2. Comment below with your most significant, most embarrassing, most amazing, or most memorable moment of your school career, and please include your school/grade level.
  3. Wait to see who’s randomly chosen to win a copy of Original Fake!

Entries can be posted today (September 6) through September 11 (Sunday) at 11:59 CST. International entries are fine for either giveaway.

Winner will be randomly chosen, so please share anything big or small.  Your memory/moment doesn’t determine your eligibility. You are awesome just for commenting.

And please share the link, if you feel so inclined.  The more entries, the merrier or tearier (hopefully happy tears) or sillier it gets.  And I need merriment and silliness at the beginning of a school year.

Let the remembering begin!

 

 

 

 

Posted in audience, BEAUTIFUL MUSIC, books, epic-ness, Nonfiction YA, Original Fake, readers, SKY | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

“Why do YOU care?”

People Really Interested in Diversity Education (PRIDE), Fall 2015, South Central College

People Really Interested in Diversity Education (PRIDE), Fall 2015, South Central College

Before I get started, you need to read this LGBTQIA+ perspective on what you do for your kids, and have Kleenex.  History matters. Read it.

So many LBGTQIA+ folks have spoken out after Orlando and its aftermath, and you should listen to them way before you listen to me.  I just want to add support.

+++

Several years ago, a man I know (someone I was relatively close to) asked me why the LGBTQIA+ community matters so much to me. With a bit of contempt, he said, “Why do YOU care about THEM?”  The implication was, of course, “Straight people don’t need to care about those weirdos, and are you gay too?”

I’ve been thinking about his question in the aftermath of Orlrando, because I literally in the actual dictionary sense don’t understand why everyone isn’t supportive of this community. I literally cannot and do not get it. This statement may make me a prejudiced bigot, but I’m OK with being bigoted for a group of people who did nothing but be born who they are.

The short answer to his question (the one I gave at the time): BECAUSE THEY ARE AWESOME PEOPLE AND I LOVE AND APPRECIATE THEM, so I have their back. Duh. And because I strive to treat people the way I want my kid to be treated—welcomed and appreciated for who he is. The man accepted all of it and went away, but not without a little side eye.

But after Orlando, let’s get specific. That man needs to understand he’s missing out on one of the most welcoming, kind, beautiful communities out there. He needs to know why his heart should ache after murders happened in a safe space (he’d laugh at the idea that a gay club was a safe haven), why BATHROOM BILLS SHOULD NOT BE A THING IN ANY WAY, and why he should cringe when a lawmaker in my home state says “If LGBT people don’t like it here, they can move.”

So . . . my long answer?

*These kind folks can make use of my mega crap-ton of privilege—they can talk when I’m supposed to, so they get heard instead of me. That privilege also requires me to say things like “Hey! Your side-eying, contemptuous, arrogant self needs to grow up and get with the program.  These folks are trying to live their lives, just like you.  Can your bullshit.”

*Who doesn’t want to hang out with the people in that photo up there?  They’re so much fun, and so smart and interesting (and if people want to think I’m LGBTQIA+ too, that’s perfect).

*This community claims their identities (even if they don’t feel they can be open about it), and I admire and respect that in a huge way.  As a culture, we need to get better at supporting the decision to being yourself. Related to that –> we also HAVE to eliminate the narrative of “Being LGBTQIA+ is a choice.”  NO. Identity is inborn, though it can look like choice (and be complicated) if identities shift and change.

And tell me: why would people *choose* identities that get them killed??? Yeah, no.

PRIDE fam outtakes

PRIDE fam outtakes

(Seriously, aren’t they the best? Please please please don’t hurt them.)

*It really sucks to feel alone and unwelcome.

*Internalized hate is dangerous and deadly (see also, possibly: the Orlando shooter), and I don’t want to help perpetuate that shame.

*There are important stories in this community, and it’s my job to create a space where people can tell them. We need their voices desperately.

*My LGBTQIA+ friends have taught me so much, and I need to repay their kindnesses.

*I’ll say it again, really loudly: I LOVE A LOT OF LGBTQIA+ PEOPLE, because they’re strong, smart, and fantastic people, and I love this community.  Love their spirit, their refusal to be dismissed and defeated, their resistance.  Beautiful people. I love them.

*Why WOULDN’T I care?  Why don’t YOU care?

There’s the long answer.

Happy Pride month to the smart, gorgeous, kind, generous LGBTQIA+ individuals in the world, especially to my friends and family members. So glad you’re here.  Thanks a million for sharing yourselves with me. I’m here for you. You’re why I care.

Posted in advocacy, gratitude, LBGT issues, props, screechingly liberal posts, Sticking It To The Man, yawp | Tagged , , | Leave a comment